"Twas Poems by Steve Stein
As Performed At The Cutters Holiday Parties
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(top)
2009
So, I stayed up late and lost a file to quicken
Made some oatmeal in the morning, waited for it to thicken
The sky was gray
But it was ok
Because when I got to work Casey said, "Good morning, chicken"
Now I'm cutting kid's Eggos, I could cut them in my sleep
It's a fine line between what I cut and what I keep
There's a pretty little girl with her hands on her hips
She"s pushing strawberries deep between her cherry lips
I wonder if it's just me that feels like a creep
All of a sudden Brian Bullock runs into my room
He's in the wrong place - at least that's what I assume
"Dude," he says, "the Kmart blue light came to life
It's in the lobby and it's got a knife
I need to find Jess and protect her womb"
I pointed next door and Brian left in a huff
I figured maybe he had himself a morning puff
but when I looked out in the lobby
I saw a little blue blobby
flashing a blade and looking all violent and rough
It was on its feet and staring down Jay
"Fuck you," I heard it say
"Oh, this isn't good"
said my friend Steve wood
"This is bad and we should all get away"
Tim Konn came through the door just then
"Oh shit, I can't believe this is happening again"
the bulb lunged at him full force
but Tim's got moves, of course
and was able to fake him out with an Another Country pen
the bulb was clearly on a bit of a bender
"Oh yeah," he yelled, "now how do I render?!"
People began to gather
As the bulb worked himself into a lather
"I'm a dude' he said, "that's my gender!"
he gnashed his teeth and took an angry stance
he waved his knife as if it were a lance
"Look, you can't even tell
you have no idea what the hell
I mean c'mon, I'm not even wearing pants."
The bulb stood in the lobby and pointed at its crotch
when Susie walked in with a bottle of scotch
she lifted it up and took a swig
and then a breath that was big
"This ain't gonna happen," she said, "not on my watch!"
She cracked the bottle on the desk so that it became a shard
"C'mon bitch!" said Susie, "let's go, on guard!"
The bulb froze in its tracks
Standing there, as it were, without slacks
"Fine,' he said, ëunless you want to take it out in the yard."
"Whoa, slow it down," said Phil who was holding a bat
"This here is where it's at."
Phil swung at the blue light
and for a moment blue became white
but the bulb ducked and said "That is that!"
It spun around and produced a second shiv
"Who wants to die and who wants to live?!"
there was no joy, there was no mirth
as people backed up and gave wide berth
"I don't even get underwear and that I do not forgive!"
The bulb raised its weapons high and took one pace
An eerie chill ran through the place
But before there was any kind of surge
whom from the crowd should begin to emerge
Marty, Emily, and Justin stood tall and with grace
M: "Hey everyone, this isn't something to be hated."
E: "This is something that we created."
Everyone looked puzzled and unsure
This was clearly territory obscure
J: "It can't hurt you, it's animated."
And true enough when Brian Higgins approached the light
He waved his hand through its head with much delight
"Oh wow, it feels hot
I like this a lot"
"Oh crap," said the blue light, "it looks like I lost the power of fright."
Chris Claeys shook his head and pulled his beard
"I don't know, man, this is still pretty weird"
The bulb sneezed something blue
"Achoo"
Which fell on the floor in a pile of goo
"Ewww"
"I think this is something to be feared"
The bulb winked its eye and took flight
"It's time for me to go and get out of sight.
It's the eleventh of December,
which if you remember
means I have one of eight candles to light.
Merry Christmas and happy Hannukah to all and to all a very good night!"
and the one for mcgrath...
Listen up kids and try to do the math
This here's a tale of John Charles McGrath
It starts where it ends
Here among friends
Where you should have no fear of wrath
John hails from the great city of Detroit
a fact and place that he's fond to exploit
of course, that's not to say
that on any given day
he doesn't love love love Detroit
because look among you whom he hired good
Danielle, Kristin, Carl, Jay and even Steve Wood
because you were dancers?
no, think again Michigancers
ok, maybe not Detroit, but certainly the hood
John has always been a very good tipper
Not just to wait staff but to many a stripper
Unless the stripper is male
Because he"s gonna pretty much bail
That"s one you can"t win, not even for the gipper
Now it's not that he doesn't want to be us
Cause I'm sure he'll still stop by to see us
he's a good friend
a saint among men
I mean for Crissake, the man drives a Prius
It would seem that John's own future looks hazy
He"s a shiftless bastard but that doesn't mean he's lazy
He's got the goods
For that long walk in the woods
But still, (AK) "That bitch be crazy!"
So no matter how you cut it up and do the math
Everyone loves loves loves John McGrath
We're sorry to see him go
Some of us bitter, I know
But we'll see him again along the long and winding path
i know we"ll all live to see another day
but there ought to be a way
through rigorous bribing
or dangerously imbibing
that we can make the bastard stay
(top)
Twas 2K8
By Steve Stein
I've learned a couple things in the years doing this
Always start by blowing a kiss,
to Kathryn,
Tim and Chris
And to start before everyone gets too boozie
I think we're all looking at you Susie
Also I need to be a good with words as a rhymer
More than, say, Jason is with a camera and a timer
Sorry, I know you could have chipped a tooth
Hey, does everyone remember Ruth?
Ok, before I get all grandiosi,
I'd like to start with a welcome to Dave Gerbosi
And I think I would stop and falter
If I didn't also include the lovely Ms. Salter
I know, not too shoddy
Hey, Paul Galati
So, twas a few days toward the end of November
Not really a date that one needs to remember
everything got all topsy-turvy and upside down
there must have been something that was going around
Jane was doing a VO record with yours truly Steve Stein
"I know I know," she said, "We need to do it one more time."
When a voice rang out from Avid 4 that made my pulse quicken
It was Mark Jepsen, "I can't cut any more goddamn chicken!"
Jane looked up and said, "He used to be a lot more even,
Back when KFC was something he could believe in,
But now that they're trying to do Kentucky Grilled,
I think Mark's afraid all the spots will get killed."
I walked into Avid 4 to check on Mark
The lights were off and it was very dark
But I could see him in the corner rocking back and forth
Surrounded by chicken bones all facing north
Yes, it was creepy.
"Hey," I said slowly, "You seem a little down on your luck."
"Fuck!" screamed Mark, "Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck!"
"Ok," I said, "We should probably keep it down cause of clients..."
"People won't eat grilled chicken," screamed Mark, "I mean that's just science!"
"Yes," I said. "Science." And I backed out of the room
leaving Mark to all his Kentucky fried doom.
In the hall, I was pushed to the wall as Kristin suddenly shoved me aside
"What?!" she said, "You wanna take this all outside?!
ëCause I'll fuckin' cut you! Seriously, man, I'll fuckin' cut you!
Don't think I won't because I'm all cute and I skip down the halls and shit, I'll fucking cut you!"
I smiled and said "It's all good, it's all good."
A small shout out to Adam, Danny and Casey Smallwood
Also to Carrie
and Michael Barry
Brian, Brian,
Jess and Ryan
So from Kristin I slowly backed away to my room and shut the door
But who should be standing there with a handful of nerf darts - Adam Kohr
(top)
Twas 2K7
By Steve Stein
Twas a year of staff changes and good friends departed
But also new folks and relationships started
Not everyone knows all the tales and stories
Of triumph, tragedy, and cutters inc glories
So come close and listen, there is no need for shouts
I must conduct the tale of Eric "Hammer" Houtz
It was the midnight hour on any given night
That Eric could be found deep in someone else's plight
An avid might have crashed a rip might need to be cut
It was always something and it never mattered what
One day Eric was explaining the proper way to QC a file
He was direct and polite and kind which was always his style
Brian Bullock was impressed and hushed into awe
As Eric went on and laid down the law
And thus his name was born, Hammer, and all was okey dokey
Though not to be confused with the persona that comes out at karaoke
Which, as you know, is anything but lame
However, this is not the real way Eric got his name
Eric was working late one winter's night his eyes red and sore
When he heard a noise in the kitchen next to the door
It was Santa he was drunk and looking for beers
Of course, Eric had known of Santa's drinking for years
Hey Claus, Eric said with wink and a smile
It's been a long time it's been quite awhile
Santa took a pull from his bottle and said, What are you looking at
Do you think this wide black belt around my waist makes me look fat?
No said Eric as he quietly approached St Nick
Who had drained another beer faster than quick
I think it looks fine but I think you must be going
I need to finish up before it really starts snowing
Santa rocked to and fro and then spat on the floor
Stay with me because this is where legend becomes lore
Santa reached into his boot and pulled out a knife
He held it to Eric's throat and threatened his life
But Eric's spidey sense had started to tingle
And he was far too fast for old Kris Kringle
He darted down the hall with Santa running after
who was cackling with glee and crazed psychotic laughter
Eric turned into a room and stood to face fears
But lo, he was in a room used by engineers
Eric was never one to gladly suffer fools
and spread out before him were all sorts of tools
Screwdrivers, pliers, and different bits for drills
But there was one thing he saw that gave him the chills
He grabbed for the hammer which felt heavy in his hands
Just as Santa entered the room blind drunk with demands
Give me your pirate costume I'm sick of being Santa
I want to hang with rap stars in LA or Atlanta
I need starlets and heiresses and paparazzi
I'm tired of just being some old reindeer nazi
And then he lunged at Eric with his sharp jagged blade
But he tripped and fell and landed all splayed
This is Chicago, Eric said, It ain't no glamour town
He raised his arm high and threw the hammer down
Crushing Santa's skull and splashing blood upon the wall
When who should appear round the corner - Jason Nebergall
Um, hey, Eric, Jason said
Is that Santa there, lying dead
Outside the weather had turned from snow into drizzle
Footsteps approached the room and there stood Chizzle
Hey guys could one of you help me out and be a bud
But he stopped when he saw Santa lying in a pool of blood
Eric grabbed a wet vac to get the brains all sucked up
Charles felt faint and said, Whoa, guys, this is all fucked up
Jason looked at Eric who looked down at mr claus
Um, said Jason, I think Carrie might have some gauze
I don't think that's gonna do it, said Eric with a yawn
We need to dispose of the body it will soon be dawn
Perhaps we can drop him off at a near hotel
Dude, said Charles, You can't do that to PÈre Noel
The three picked up the corpse and brought it out to the street
The body was stiff and cold as it lay near their feet
Jason said to the group, Let's just put him on the el
Oh my god, said Charles, We are so going to hell
But fortune was with them like some fine cigar
John McGrath suddenly appeared in his hybrid car
Hey, don't worry, he said, and don't get your jaws flappin
This isn't a surprise I knew it would happen
Throw him in the trunk and I'll set things right
And then John took off into the dark of the night
He'd been reading the papers and knew just what to do
he brought the body to Bollingbrook, to an ex cop named Drew
I know this is long and I know what you're thinking
I need to wrap this up so you get back to drinking
Suffice to say that not all poems have happy endings or do what's right
But happy holidays to all and to all a good nightÖ
(top)
Twas 2k6
steve stein
Each year this gets more and more difficult. Cause it's always the same thing.
Something about the biz, working late, Santa is drunk, some shout outs -
so I tried something a little different this year. And I ran into some problems.
I'll just start going and you'll see what I mean, hey christine
So I'm working late one night the way I do the way I might
It's devry and it's just to die when I see something out the corner of my eye
It's the easter bunny and his nose is runny, but it's really not that funny
cause I can tell that he's not well he's drunk as hell can I say I miss pastorelle, hey Danielle
I pull the rabbit near, lean into his ear and ask him why he's here explaining that this time of year it's all about glad tidings and cheer, maybe reindeer
His sits up on his legs like he's begging, hey megan
And then he's quick to call me a dick and say I ain't st nick and I ain't no bunny fi fi , hey chi chi - happy birthday
his gin soaked brain begins to sizzle, his drool begins to drizzle, hey chisel
suddenly he lifts his nose up just before he throws up
whereupon he passes out with his tail down and his toes up
i'm sure it's just a phase, this alcohol haze, but in what seems like days, where the bunny lays is where the bunny stays, hey capn claeys
Soon his eyes flicker, I don't think that he's been sicker, poor rabbit can't hold his liquor
When he wakes, his head aches and he's got the shakes but those are the breaks
Before he begins to stammer out, he checks his grammar doubts, hey hammer houtz
And he yells, where's all my fucking candies, hey andies
Ok, then there's a part where the rabbit is trying to knife me and he's sort of scarin me, hey Karen v
and I tell him that he's ill and he needs to take a chill pill and lose his urge to kill and they I say hi to phil.
And then something where I had the rabbit yell, live and learn bitch, hey matt crnch
Happy birthday, by the way, ok, anyway
And then there's a part where the rabbit says he's got to get goin, hey neal cohen
And then the original poem ended with - Peace on earth, for even the noblest spirit it embiggens, hey brians bullock may and higgens
That's the way I had conceived the poem, the way I thought it would go, hey joe, mike moe
Because at the end the bunny was all gones, hey johns
But the bunny didn't leave, hey steve wood and yealin
Which was weird, and then even weirder the bunny told me a poem, which I know sounds insane, hey jane
So the bunny had a bit of a double roll, hey trouble, joel
But that's the truth, hey ruth
And it went something like this, chris markos, kraynus, gotschall & claeys
But before I do that I just want to say that I'm aware how obvious and awkward some of these rhymes are, car los and arissa, for me it's like oh, not
again, scott and ben, because they make me feel dirty, like I want to take a hot bathryn, hey kathryn
So the bunny turned around to face me, hey Patrick casey
And this is the poem the bunny said to me, hey cindy
Enjoy. Joy.
Listen my children and know the wrath
That was once and is bloodbath mcgrath
I know he seems so kind and true
but he's lain to rest more than a few
sure he listens to every complaint
comes in on the weekend to clean and to paint
he'll grab assistants by the bunch
and take em out to a nice place for lunch
he cheers everyone on rah rah rah
everyone loves john, blah blah blah
but i'll tell you a tale that's not so funny
I swear it's true or I'm not the easter bunny
You know John's mansion down in hyde park
well, this is where the story begins to slide dark
People there skew older and it shouldn't be a shock
That john is known as the new kid on the block
The old ladies really take a shine to him
And if you know john, that's just fine to him
It's late at night and he's knocking down walls
Putting in plumbing for some new urinals
Seriously, you can ask him, this is true
I know he wants to put in one, possibly two
there's a knock on the door and john goes to answer
There stands an old woman who was once a dancer
She's also a neighbor who has baked him some brownies
It's a nice thing to do she's one of the townies
The street is empty and john takes her inside
Which is where he goes from dr jeckyl to mr hyde
My guess it was the kitchen or maybe the den
But she was never seen or heard from again
The next day another lady stopped by to clean
and she too was never again heard from or seen
a couple weeks later a woman came by to iron some pants
the poor thing probably never even had a chance
there are other stories and tales that go round
but none of the bodies have ever been found
there's never any evidence save one thing
it's not a watch, a necklace or some ring
it's a mystery anyway and that should suffice
just listen to me closely and heed this advice
don't be fooled by his smile all sweet and majestic
he's bent on good cooking, style, and all things domestic
for there are those from this earth who are gone
done in by the hand of this man we call john
In his office you'll see how and why he picked ëem
For they hang upon a wire, each apron of the victim
So look upon him with new fear and due fright
Happy holidays everyone and to all a good night
(top)
HOLIDAY POEM 2K5
twas a few hours before the holiday party and the poem was not yet written
i was sick the day before and had the strength of a kitten
also i had told claeys i wasn't going to write a poem this year
he said why not, i said, well, i'm not really in that gear
he said it was ok, no big, don't worry, you don't have to do it
in fact, he said, why don't you not come to the party at all, fuck it, just screw it
then he threw claeys hard candy at me, and a chunk of peanut brittle
which didn't leave a mark, but it did hurt a little
so i re-evaluated and thought maybe i'd write something,
but what can i say that hasn't already been said
where am i gonna find something new in this old empty head
for years i've worked myself up late into the night in all kinds of lathers
i've done twas the night, rap, suess, dylan and marshall mathers
one year i tried a subtle ode to bob newhart
but someone who i love with all my heart
at the very start of it
overplayed his part of it
so no three act plays or rambling skits
no monologues or ranting fits
but here's a secret, although no one seems to know it
i am not a poet
poems can be like hair
sometimes you just can't grow it
but in fact i've learned, oh i've learned,
and if there's one thing i've earned
so that i don't get burned
and this from all that i've learned
is to make the poem rhyme
i need to take the time
and make it rhyme
i don't need a vodka with a lemon or lime
i don't need to stand up here and mime
it's not nichelodeon, no bucket of slime
i don't have to do anything clever with parsley sage rosemary or thyme
i need no bells to chime
or mountains to climb
just one thing
make the fucker rhyme
they're going to be drunk and i can bet my last dime
they're going to want the fucking thing to rhyme
i have thought of doing something shakespearian
but the little voice inside my head said oh for godsakeperian
but soft what light through yonder avid breaks, it is kathryn and erik is the sun
arise fair sun, and cut a version that is not the board, and
right, exactly, you'd hate me and i'd hate me, too
iambic pentameter,
nothing rhymes with iambic pentameter
but i've also learned that shout outs are good
hey steve wood
i think you know what i mean
hey christine
if i reach deep in the bag of goods
i can pull a big shout out to miss d woods
not just because of all that sass and style
but because of that magnificent mile of a smile
understand this is something I enjoy
I'm not trying to suck up or annoy
Hey joy
For me this is like winning cannes lions
What's up brains
Ok, no seriously
how can you do the math and not choose mcgrath
he produced pennys and blazed a path
the whole thing ran well
hey manuel
of course it was a strange spot to find him in
hey katy mindeman
but that's the truth
hey ruth
anyway, i could just go the easy route
and say how traci trouble rocks
i could go even easier
and say how ëbout them sox
and how the hell did ryan mcguire have the dream summer of anyone's life and chis claeys end up catching the only world series grand slam ball in the history of chicago, there were just old ladies and children so i commanded my space, but as my wife says, ka ching.
hey ding.
but here's the deal, though,
a big shout out to cindy and phil for always keeping it real, yo
and one last thing for anyone with moxie or pluck,
touch christopher not just because he's perfect, but just because he's good luck
oh and welcome to chicago, casey & chuck
there's just one more thing i wanted to say about e-mail spam
and how the whole penis enlargement thing is a total scam
um, i'm just kidding, i'm being a bit of a ham
i just wanted to give a shout out to pam
but that's all i've got to say
get home safe
tomorrow's another day
(top)
Twas 2k4
By steve stein
Subterranean Worksick Blues
Trouble's in the edit suite
Sitting in the driver's seat
I'm putting up my feet
thinking ëbout some dried meat - [slim jim bag]
The client on the couch
Chill out lay low
Says he's got to go
wants to get to a show
Look out kid
It's somethin' you did
Should be fun
maybe when you're finally done
You better finish that cut now
Looking for a new nun - [with a gun]
The client with the long hair
It's in a bun
Wants two versions posted
You only got one
Tim comes in your room
It feels like a tomb
You can only assume
That it must be doom
But he says that the client
Thinks you're reliant
So don't be defiant
C'mon you're a giant
Look out kid
Don't matter what you did
Think of the work you've shown
Look how you've grown
There's no need to moan
You're not alone
send out a clone
with bars and tone [bars]
You don't need an engineer
To know that your whites are blown - [plain white card]
In early stay late
You might have to break a date
It's fate you have to wait
New version a new slate - [cutter's slate]
Isci code encode
it's a tough road
decode the hard code
wireless is longer if you gotta download
Look out kid
You're gonna get hit
It's a fine science
start an alliance
buy the appliance - [maytag]
The producer's off her nut
If she's lookin' for a new cut
Don't listen to clients
Who comments are in silence
DDB, FCB
Leo B, JWT,
Y & R O & M
You me us and them
Please her, please him, buy gifts
Take time, heal rifts
Twenty hours working straight
Overwrote when I should have lift - [avid symbols]
Look out kid
They keep it all hid
I don't know who said it
But you saved the edit
no need to dread it
that they took the spot and bled it
Your version's gone
The one we sent to cannes
But it looks like the director up and took the credit
Happy holidays
(top)
Xmas Wrap 2K3
By Steve Stein
look, if you had one shot, one opportunity
to create the spot you wanted
one single spot
would you cut it or not?
his thoughts are mired, synapses fired, skull is wired
spare tire"s been otis spunkmeyer"d
he"s nervous, but on the surface he looks calm almost tired
he feels blind but needs to find that one shot to cut the spot
he"s the one hired
what bin was it, easy now easy does it
the client is silent almost defiant
they like the cut but will they ever buy it
one more lunch one more talk about that goddamn south beach diet
he"s got them now, he knows it now
all they say is wow
snap back to the timeline, oh look at the time
avid crashes he loses his work
the client lashes out, what a jerk
it"s a pain in the ass to go to the attic
but he does it now, it"s automatic
you better lose yourself in the edit, the sequence
the defense, you better back it up
this opportunity only comes once, it"s a fixed bid,
so you might want to jack it up
i got to find a plot for this spot cause it"s starting to get hot
success is my only option failure"s not
so here i go this is my only shot
avid fail me not this may be the only opportunity i got
i can"t let it rot i can"t let luck be the bon mot
this is my one last shot
but I know I can do this, I can get through this
or will I raise my arms in the air and say, aw screw it
but i know i can cause i"m the man
i"m a bad ass motherfucker
cause when i see a spot i say, yo, i"m gonna cut you sucker
now, some of you are asking where"s santa
shouldn"t he be drunk on vodka and fanta
well it"s the same old story the same old glory
it"s all good and everything but no challenge for me
i had one idea with an axe and a hooker
but it ended up weird and way too gory
now let me just say if i may if i might
while i have your attention here tonight
that for what it"s worth if this were my last day on earth
our cups filled here with joy and mirth
that i wouldn"t hesitate to say how great
you make my second home at grand and state
and when i look at y"all, i know were i to stumble and fall
you"d catch me and throw me back the ball
so thanks for that and letting me do this
i give y"all a great big kiss
sorry i got no santa sightings
but i wish you well and all good tidings.
peace.
(top)
newsstand guys who stole cutters 2k1
by steve stein
every cutter at cutters loved cutters alot
but the newstand guy, who worked downstairs, he did not
the newstand guy hated cutters and the whole cutters crew
now please don"t ask why, no one really knew
it could be he could never get his hair just right
it could be his blue blazer was a touch too tight
but the reason on which most speculate
was that his heart was rotten and full of hate
but
whatever the reason
his hair or his jacket
he sat there on christmas eve, hating the whole cutters racket
standing at his post, and staring across the lobby at the door
he imagined them all hanging out up on the 25th floor
for he knew what every cutter must be thinking
"enough with work, let"s get on with the drinking"
"they"re getting wasted right now" he bellowed out hearty
"they"re getting ready for their cool christmas party"
he set his hand on the counter and started his fingers drumming
"there must be a way i can keep their party from coming"
because that night he knew that all the cutters women and men
would be getting down, getting busy, and getting down again
who did they think they were these cutters folks
with their smiles, their drinks, their snacks, and their smokes
for all he knew, they"d soon stand in a circle and start to sing
and that was too much, he must try to stop this whole thing
then he got an idea, an awful idea
the newstand guy got a wonderful awful idea
"i know just what to do," he said with a sneer
"i"ll dress up like a delivery guy, i"ll deliver them beer
and then i"ll sneak in their machine room and cut all the wires
and unleash a virus on all the flames and the fires"
he put on his boots and wiped off the mud
he put on a some overalls and a cap that said bud
then he shoved some six packs under his arms and said to his wife
"please mind the store dear, by the way, where is my knife"
she handed him his weapon and gave him a kiss on the cheek
for a moment he had second thoughts and began to feel weak
but then he got on the elevator and went up to twenty five
he went round reception to the back where it sounded alive
when he saw all their faces he froze like headlights in a deer eye
thought grog when he saw him, "hmmm, that"s not the regular beer guy
but what the hell, beer"s beer and i think i"ll have another"
the newstand guy handed him a beer like milk from a mother
and then the newstand guy, well, he quietly slipped away
into the machine room and all those wires of gray
which went through the facility in every possible way
and always worked every minute of every day
well, he pulled his knife from his sheath and he started to cut
when he heard a chris johnson"s voice say, "excuse me but
aren"t you the guy who just delivered the beer
i mean surely you can see there"s no cooler here"
the newstand guy looked at chris johnson the producer
he lowered his eyes and curled his lips as if to seduce her
he said, "well they pointed me through here, right through this door
they said to put it here, in a place called the core"
"hmmm", said chris johnson, "i suppose that"s right
just give a shout if you need some help or just want more light"
that was way too easy, the newstand guy thought, what a cinch
i think i"ll take this dat machine, the dbeta, and even this one inch
he looked down at his knife which he"d bought in wisconsin
not knowing he"d just met the cunning chris johnson
he raised his knife again and again he was about to cut
when a sweet southern voice again said, "excuse me but
i couldn"t help notice that knife in your hand
and how much you look like that guy from the stand
and also a delivery guy on whose boots there"s no mud
i"ve alerted my crew and they"re screaming for blood
for it seems to me and to them that you"re up to no good"
when the newstand guy turned around there they all stood
they seemed great in size and the newstand guy grew afraid
there was bruce brynn and bridget bob ben and that one they called blade
anna alicia andy and alma arnel anjelica, grant gavin and grog
also mr zipper pants- to his friends n-dog
john john john and john jerry and jennifer, mike mark myra and manuel
all these cutters folks, the newstand guy did not bode so well
faith frolly and phil sherry cheree cindy shane and steve
lizzy laura ruth robert richard neal and peter and if you believe
i"ve forgotten anyone please dismiss the disglory
it"s just that i need to get back to the bones of the story
chris chris christopher keith keisha carlos kate and kathryn, tim tom tracy and chi chi too
the newstand guy was caught and he didn"t know what to do
his eye began to twitch, his brow began to bead, he coughed and he clucked
then he threw up his arms and said, "well, clearly i"m fucked"
chris shook her head and said, "what are we to do?
what sort of horrible psycho malady are you going through?"
the newstand guy smiled weakly, "i"m no cutter hater," he laughed
"i"m a bit disgruntled because i work in an elevator shaft"
when the newstand guy said that he suddenly saw the light
he understood his anger, his bitterness, his elevator plight
and what happened next, well, at cutters they say
that the newstand guy"s heart really was rotten and just sort of gave way
yeah, i"m serious, and in one of life"s toughest battles
the ambulance came and shocked him with paddles
said the medic, "it seems this man died from delivering beer
now everyone stand back, give us some room, ok, clear!"
no no i"m kidding what i really meant to say
was that the newstand guy"s heart grew three sizes that day
and when he looked at all the sweet cutters faces
he opened his heart and gave them all places
he said, "i will love everyone, that will be my new motto"
and he... he himself, the newstand guy, for free, let everyone play lotto
alt tom ending
no no i"m kidding what i really meant to say
was that the newstand guy"s heart grew three sizes that day
and when he looked at all the sweet cutters faces
he opened his heart and gave them all places
but then, when he looked at tom he felt kind of weird
his own wife, of course, she was just a beard
he was so happy then, he never felt as gay as this
so he himself, the newstand guy, gave tom a big wet kiss
(top)
Twas 2k1 (alt)
By steve stein
tom please don't diss this
you don't wanna miss this
for johnson comma chris
twas night before xmas
santa stared at me like he wanted to throw mared at me
he was pissed I was off the list I would not be missed
I see he said and shook his head
and pulled at his beard
I don't know I should go
cause now I just feel weird
santa don't be a fool
you're cool you tool
and I don't mean a bubble to burst
just pick up a phone and call first
and then things wiil be fine
ok steve stein you tow the line, you've got some spine
I think maybe you are right
it's santa and his belly
he's shaking it like jelly
he knows we've met before
naughty or nice his stare is like ice
st nick's clearly got the door
he says don't think i'm fruity
but watch me shake my bootie
it's hot, yo, ain't it a cutie
santa your ass is great
you've lost some weight
but it's late
and you know I hate to wrest our fate
but i'd appreciate this one date
if we could you know yo abbreviate
i'm preppin and steppin time code's my weapon
but I crash it, this computer I want to smash it
and bash it, and send it back to hell
screw the list cause now i'm pissed fuck the edl
no one to summon I can't get it hummin
c'mon baby doncha know I got to go go go
now don't be bummin but you know what's comin
that's right, baby, it's ho ho ho
but there is one scene where the guy's walking funny
nix it or fix it you know we'll spend the money
no prob easy job
in the kitchen, no bitchen i'm lookin for some food
healthy and stealthy I think i'm in the mood
for an apple, a pear do I want a muffin
on a roll though the hole I go to sol
but i'm huffin and puffin
breathin like vader or some ancient oakland raider
I think to myself, ok maybe next time the elevator
shane I know it's a pain but it's plain to see you need to fix the crotch
no need to explain I see the frame i'll pull from my digital bag of tricks byotch
I call brynn am I in like flynn
does brynn reedy need me because i'll be speedy
your game is in flame with shane
says alicia, do you capiche
then she says grog's out
I say why, who let the dogs out
hey annastasia, I know i'm not the boss a ya
but have you seen lizzy is she busy I got to output a dub
I think she's with c-lo on the go I guess that's the rub
how about manuel is he well
do yo know if he's around
yeah he's here somewhere
I know that he's in town
just I hung up who should run up manuel pops in his head
manuel go to hell, oh, as if that were ever said
he says, esteve, is something that you need yo
just a dub, man, but with speed these guys gotta go
alma don't stallma do you got the fix
cool, let's tend it and bend it and send it down to mix
marlena I seen her coming round the corner
scrappy and snappy like little jackie horner
stella's with a fellah and talking bout a dub
if it got no time code hit it with a club
giles and c-low hanging in the hall
watch your latte because it's gonna fall
is it a grande no it's a tall
don't stall get on the ball is that all?
No, time sheet time sheet
get off your seat move your feet
get it to me get it to me get it to me now
how soon is now
morrissey where is he
tom is in the tape room mixing up the medicine
man in the coonskin cap wants eleven dollar bills you only got ten
(top)
Twas 2k1
By Steve Stein
C to the U to the double T E R S
I got the time you got the rest
sit down sit up smooth your dress
I got something to say ok today
if I may if I might
so just sit tight
i'm working late one night aiiight
cuttin a spot givin it my best shot
using this that and whatever I got
it's hot
the spot? Not
bad luck
john buck
what the fuck
don't start frettin
you got me here sweatin
don't wanna be lettin
out the dogs
john buck says, yo, we'll throw the switch
you be chillin in a stitch
so just be cool, aiight, bitch
now i'm cuttin and i'm splicin
and i'm puttin on the icin
for a spot that doesn't suck
when I hear a sound behind me
I hope it doesn't find me
but then that would be my luck
now I know you think it's santa
but that would be a fanta -see
santa's in atlanta sucking on a a fanta
that's a drink that's made by coke
if I were to do, a bit for you
about working christmas as a jew
it'd just be the same old joke
so that sound that comes around
that comes around behind me
it's carlos with his ti-book
like kareem with his sky hook
he says, what you don't mind me
I guess not, not a lot hot shot who's hot to trot
what's the bon mot
carlos says nothin
your spot's tight put out the light good night aiiight
ok anyway next day
I get to work I need to lurk
gotta keep it tight around the door
I got to blend laura's got a pen
you know she keeps the score
hang up my coat hang up my hat
no time to chit chat
look at that the dat where's it at
gotta d that tune, client will be here soon
clean the room zoom a zoom zoom zoom
where the fuck that dat at, matt
comes in wide a wake with a shake
points to the lake oh man, gimme a break
no on the ledge at the edge
it's sitting on the sill
shit you're right aiiight
that's dope, man, that's chill
lizzy please call 5 1 8 0
dude, I think she worked late yo
do you think you could wire me
no, I can't man, claeys'll fire me
then I hear his feet on the floor as he passes by my door
hey micah I like ya I don't mean to psych ya
but if you got the time would you mind
I need to get hooked up
sure you want a cell phone microphone dv tv
I can get it all cooked up
just the dat cool cat stat
the clients come to view it the fat they want to chew it
the spot's just fine don't waste our time we don't want to screw it
they leave me I breathe free
when will the day be done
supergreg number one
ok keep your feet on the floor
don't leave for the door
there's just a tiny bit teeny bit little bit more
santa's in the post house y'all
cause everyone's home i'm all alone
i'm working my wrists to the bone
but I turn around when I hear the sound
of his big black boots
pounding on the ground
santa no offense to you
when I reference you
but i'm on the fence with you
you sneak up when you should speak up
I know I should turn the other cheek up
but dude, you get my freak up
santa grabbed his crotch
don't you fuck with me, byotch
santa you're a good guy and all
but did I call
shouldn't you be down
down at the mall
tis the season
santa shook his head and said
I need no reason to drop in
to hop in now you got me poppin
you really want this stoppin
well not as such I like you much
you're just a l'il bit out of touch
and I don't mean a bubble to burst
but if you'd call first I wouldn't feel so cursed
naughty or nice his stare was like ice I knew that he was pissed
like wood he stood until he said what I knew he would
yeah, it's all good, you're still on my list
santa gave a wave and then he turned around
later alligator and took the elevator down
I heard him say that day on his way to his flight
merry xmas to all, and to all a good aiiight
peace out, y'all
(top)
Twas 2k
by steve stein
"Twas the night before Xmas and all through Cutters, Another Country, and Sol
Not a creature is stirring, not even a mole
Not that there are moles on the 25th floor
But hey, that"s what rhymes are for
So it"s the night before Xmas and the whole place is quiet
I"m eating raw cookie dough, fuck that meat diet
I"m working, of course, while everyone is enjoying Xmas and Kwanzaa
Except for Andy and Chi Chi who are probably watching an episode of Bonanzaa
Well, I"m working real hard when I feel a tap on my shoulder
It"s St Nick, naturally, and he"s looking quite a bit older
Santa, I say, we"ve got to stop meeting like this
I know, he says, but I really need your office
You can"t be serious, I say, don"t you have elves
He sighs, and says, yeah, but if you want something done right, you got to do it your self
So I show him the phone, the printer, and the copier, too
Wow, he says, this copier"s great, it must be new
We copied and faxed, Fed Exed and e-mailed
Then he slumps in a chair and says, Son, I think I"ve failed
What, I say, Everyone loves you with your dolls and your bikes
I know, he says, but I got to thinking ever since the strike
I mean I still get my paychecks and my residuals from Coke
But I feel so frustrated, like I"m just a joke
Santa, I say, you"re the man, people love what you do
I mean you haven"t done much for me, I"m a Jew
But to lots and lots of people, you"re the dude
He sighs and looks forlorn, I don"t know, he says, I"m screwed
Mrs Claus says I"m fat, we haven"t had sex, and the sad thing is I just don"t care
Look Santa, I say, maybe there are a few things you may not want to share
Oh what"s the point, he sighs, does it matter if I live or die
Whoa Santa, I say, take it easy, don"t make me cry
Look, you work hard just one day a year
The rest of the time you watch TV and drink beer
Why don"t you join a gym, and maybe start to paint
And don"t worry about Mrs Claus, I mean, Geez, you"re a saint
Just lay off the nuts and cakes, have more of the fruits
He nods and says, Yes, I could look sexy in this red fur and black leather boots
Santa started to come around after a coffee with a small shot of vanilla
I made a mental note to talk to Phil about a plan at Gorilla
You know, I say, I could get Matt to start you off if you"re not too afraid
Oh that would be great, he says, is he the one everyone calls Blade?
Santa puts on his jacket and we walk to the elevator
We stand there for a few awkward moments until I say, well, see you later
I look him in the eye and say, it"s not half empty, Santa, half full is the glass
He smiles and says, you"re right, and say hi to Miss Giles, she"s a real piece of work
She is, I say, she volunteers, she does that tv thing, and she works real hard
Yeah, he says patting his belly, I gotta go if I want to work off this lard
So you have a nice evening, a merry Xmas to all and to all a good night
At that the doors closed and the fat old man was gone gone gone from my sight
(top)
Twas ë99
by steve stein
ëTwas a few weeks before Xmas and all through Cutters
Were whispers and nods and discussions and mutters
-mutter -sort of like a whisper but not really
The company was splitting in three different parts
A sound decision in mind but indeed heavy on hearts
Well, ok, let's not make this a big dramatic thing
Competition and revenue would this bring
Plus it would create an environment for creativity to flourish
And as far as the individual, it would nurture and nourish
And talent would not get wasted
I don't know, it's something Chris Claeys said
And so it would be Cutters, Another Country and Sol Design
Although Another Country is, well, no, no, it's fine
But that's the deal and I wish it good luck
I hope that everyone still hangs out and everything, because if not, well, that would suck
So now it's the night before Xmas and I'm working without a crew
What do I care anyway, I'm a (pause) super hard worker
See, you thought I was gonna say Jew
It's the same joke as last year, I know, what're you gonna do
Anyway, it's late and I'm scrounging around for something to eat like meat
I open the fridge hoping something salty and good will jump out and land at my feet
I guess you can see, though, where I'll always be a dreamer
You know the story
Just some cheese in the door and a drawer full of creamer
I walk back to my room unsatisfied and starving out of my mind
When all of a sudden I hear a loud Budweiser belch from behind
It's not Grog, there's some old man. "Jesus Christ," I yell. "You dick!"
"Oops sorry," he hiccups. "And no, you have me confused, I'm Nick"
"Yeah, whatever, you're Santa Claus, we did this same bit last year bro.
I don't have the time and it would appear you've had the last beer so..."
Looking over my shoulder he spies the pictures on the wall
The way he's swaying back and forth I think for sure he's gonna fall
"Who are all these people?" he says all hiccups and smiles
"Some are gone," I say. "If it's upside down it's probably Jennifer Giles."
"I know her," he says. "She always wears those jackets.
And in the morning she makes oatmeal that you get in packets."
"I guess," I say, "I don't really know about her breakfast routine."
"I do," says Santa angrily. "It's something I've seen."
"Ok, well, Santa, listen, surely you can feel the tension growing
Maybe it's best that you should, you know, find yourself going."
He laughs and puts out his hand like he wants me to give him five
"Santa," I say, "I'd be happy to call you a cab if you're unable to drive."
"No, listen," he says. "I'm not driving, really, it's cool."
"Well, who is?" I ask. "Who's the patsy, who's the fool?"
"Me," says a voice behind a large horseshoe diamond ring.
There in the flesh standing next to the old man was a king
Not just a king, the king, the one and only king of rock and roll
"How's it going?" he says. "I like what you guys got going on at Sol."
"Thanks," I say. "I'll make sure to tell MB.
Hey, do you think you could sign this for me?"
I hand him a pen and hold out my arm
"Sure," he says. "I can't see the harm."
On my flesh he scrawls out his name
"What about me?" says Santa. "I've got fame."
"I don't know," I say. "It's just not the same."
"That's bullshit," he says. "That excuse is lame."
And then he pulls out a knife and holds it to my neck
"Whoa Santa," I say. "What's going on, what the heck?"
Elvis speaks up then and says, "Nick, man, you got to chill."
And in a flash gives him a karate kick that drops him still
I check my neck for blood and say, "Thanks, Elvis, you saved me."
He winks and says, "No problem, little buddy. You can call me E."
Elvis drags Santa to the elevator and says, "Don't worry, he'll be fine."
"Are you kidding," I say. "He pulled a knife on me. I'm ready to kick him in the spine."
Elvis laughs and says, "That's a good one, now you take care."
"What," I say. "I'm not kidding, man, that's not fair."
The doors open, the saint and the king get inside
I watch Elvis gingerly step over Santa and press the button in one single stride
"You know," I say. "When you signed my arm, you had a light touch."
He points his finger at me and says, "Thank you, thank you very much."
And then they were gone
Now I was alone and felt a little light headed and quirky
I mean would it kill anyone around here to get some freaking beef jerky
The fruit is great and everything, not to mention the salads du jour
but why can't we get a BBQ pit -nobody plays pool anymore.
But I digress
That night as I shut down the avid I thought about y2k
And the project I just saved, and would it be ok
And then I thought about my trek home and how what with winter and all, it was getting much colder
But as I pulled on my coat I was warmed by the thought that it didn't really matter because I had Elvis on my shoulder.
(top)
twas the night before ë98
Twas the year before this xmas and all through the post house
all peripherals were whirring, especially the mouse.
In graphics and sound and in online and Fuse,
well, not really in online because they sort of just slam together a bunch of random keys and switches, I mean maybe Fire, actually audio doesn't use a mouse either, but maybe now with Pro Tools...
But I digress...
Avid and transfer and Santa Monica, too,
mouses and drives and wacoms and new-
stuff that I don't really know the names of
all going and going til the wee hours of night
faster and faster than even the speed of light
but not quite, because that would be really something...
Right?
But suffice to say that of the equipment there's lots that's newish
Some of the boxes are beige, but the SGI stuff is bluish
I bet you thought I was going to make some joke about me being
not a Christian...
Well, you just keep wishin'
Anyway, now it's the night before xmas, and all through the place
Oh, for the people who saw Pecker this year, "full of grace"
So I'm working on something tweaking it just right
Avid 1 where it's cold and I can keep out the light
But down the hall I hear a sound
How can that be, I'm the only one around
It's coming from the kitchen perhaps by the sink
and it sounds as if someone's had too much to drink
I step in the kitchen to see who's the dick.
And I see him hunched over, I can't believe it's St Nick.
He's got the beard and the red suit and the hair and the belly
and when he hurls his stomach shakes like a bowl full of jelly
"Dude," I say, "What's going on, how did you get in here?"
"Please," he says, "I make a living going down chimneys, the problem is the beer."
"What," I ask, "Are you drunk?"
"Duh," he says, "And I stink like a skunk."
I take a whiiff and he is absolutely right
"Dude," I say, "Don't you have presents to deliver tonight?"
He shakes his head and says, "No, I use Fed Ex and UPS."
I look at him doubtfully and he says, "Really, no BS."
"Okay I'm lying but cut me some slack here
I just need a moment to get back on track here."
"You want some coffee?" I ask, "I can brew up a pot."
"Oh, that would be great, man, thanks a lot."
"You know," he continues, "We make and send tables, it's called a table-o-gram."
I smile, "That's neat."
And then he says, "Could you give this to Doug, it's for his label program."
"Sure."
I take him upstairs and walk him around
"Cool," he says, "I like that the walls are all round
and I don't mean to sound jealous and throw a mean fit
but look at all this super cool flat screen shit."
"Well," I say, "Monitors come in all different styles."
He winks and says, "Like the jacket and jeans look of Jennifer Giles?"
"Uh, sort of, I guess. How do you know about that?"
"Oh," he says, "I'm all about that."
"Yeah, well, uh..."
"And you're the guy with the French film, oh I've heard tell."
"Yeah," I say, "You've obviously met Tom Pastorelle.
Listen, Mr Clause, it appears you've sobered up a little.
Maybe you should, y'know, here, take some peanut brittle."
"Actually," he says, "I'd prefer the Chocolate Charlie.
With these dentures, the brittle can be, well, a little gnarly."
I hand him a box and say, "Okay, well, um, uh, see you later."
An uncomfortable silence goes by until he says. "I guess I'll take the elevator."
"Yeah," I say. "It's just off the lobby."
"Don't worry about me," he says. "You get back to your hobby."
"Are you sure you're okay," I ask. "You don't look so good."
He hands me Journey, the game, and says, "It's for Steve Wood."
"Yes, but about your health. Are you alright?"
"I'm fine, damnit, and to all a good night!"
And with that he burped and vanished in the quick of a blink.
And then I went back and cleaned up the sink,
because you don't want to leave that kind of stuff lying around through the holidays
(top)
twas the night before christmas ë97
by steve stein
twas a few months before christmas
and all through the post house
many of the creatures were stirring
and more than just a pen or a mouse
some of the reindeer had opportunities
and took leave of the nest
(we know this is fact)
said the owners disheartened
well, it's probably for the best
(and they'll be back)
gone in a week were kathy, mike, and steve
said the mayor, "jesus christ, they can't just fucking leave"
soon to follow was cheryl, she left in a flash
said the mayor, "how can this be happening? and where the hell is taradash?"
but long before this christmas
and even the last
john mcgrath had gone north
for fishing and greener grass
and mb had left
but that was okay
the mayor saw her
on drums every day
"still," shouted the mayor, "they're dropping like flies,
there will be no one left, you do the math."
(he was a pissed man)
but of course there were the cutaways boys
and what should soon appear but the son of mcgrath
(with a list in hand)
thought the mayor, "okay, but still,"
and he e-mailed me about all the stirring creatures
"aw, c'mon, man," I said, "cut me some slack,
i'm cutting a movie here, i'm cutting a feature."
"whatever," said the mayor, "you absence affects us all,
but hey, make us proud."
"do you miss me?" I asked. "yes," he said,
"but don't say I said that out loud."
at the christmas party this year
the mayor stood strong like a rock, glad to the bone
because he was surrounded by his family and friends
and the happy thought that however it happens
everyone always finds their way home
(top)
twas the night before ë96
by steve stein
twas the night before christmas and all through the post house
not a peripheral was whirring, not even a mouse
the wacom tablets were placed next to the keyboards with care
in the hopes that an editor soon would be there
but everyone was home all snug in their beds
visions of sears christmas playing over and over and over in their heads
i was here because there wasn't much to do
i mean, what's christmas, you know, if you're a jew
so i'd come in to work on a personal project
it's after hours, you're learning, how can you object
i was digitizing when all of a sudden my cursor froze
i hate when that happens, i said to myself, man this blows
i rebooted and this is where my tale begins
i felt a presence behind me and i knew it wasn't tim
i turned and i saw it was santa clause
i mean there was this guy standing there in the doorway in this red and white suit with the beard and belly and the rosy cheeks who looked a lot like santa clause, i mean it was him, it was the guy
he smiled and said, ho ho ho how are you steve stein
that's weird how'd he know my name hi, i said, i'm fine.... how are you
he patted his belly and said, i'm tired and hungry, i need some spare tire lovin'
i said, uh, i'm not sure what you mean, but we have an otis spunkmeyer oven
so i made him some cookies all fresh and hot
he ate everyone and said, mmmm, that was great, man, thanks alot
say, what kind of a place is this, you make movies -i'm at a bit of a loss
well sort of, i said, we're the, well, we're the glue and the gloss
i see, he said, you having some problems there with your mac
uh yeah, i said, one of the drives isn't picking up the slack
hmmm, he said, i know a few things, see i took a course when i was in school
right, i said, it's one of chris claeys' drives i think it's poop in the pool
he knelt down and took a look at the drive
i think i see the problem, he said with a twinkle in his eye
he unplugged and replugged the scsi cable, reseated the atto board, zapped the pram, and then pulled some pixie dust from his pocket
he sprinkled it on the drive and said, there that should do it, it'll scream like a rocket
he was right, it worked, it was fast, just like it was new
i said, thanks, and we sat there until i said, uh don't you have stuff to do
yes, he said, yes i do, i have many things to do, i should probably go, i have this to do and that
well, look, i said, before you go would you like a t-shirt or a hat
i walked him to the elevators he in his red suit, cutters hat, and beard
and me not even thinking that in any way this was weird
the elevator arrived, he got in, said goodby and was soon out of sight
as i turned around i could hear him say, don't work too late and hey, have a good night
